You’ve Got a Heart on Fire
“But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.” — Chuck Klosterman
It took me a while to get over my first love. But like all broken hearts, I did it by drinking too much, impairing my judgement enough to where I’d sleep with too many meaningless people. I slept with a boy who camped out for tickets with me, a boy who built a home for Habitat for Humanity in New Orleans, a boy with a girlfriend, a boy at a party, a boy from high school. Helping America’s collegiate youth to get laid one 1/5 of liquor at a time—that was my effort to better society. I did this all in a span of three months.
Then, I was over him. And surprisingly I had no shame. Although I had done the walk many times. It was strange, though. Even though I didn’t love him anymore, I compared future prospects to him. Guarding myself when I thought their actions mimicked his and falling too quickly too fast when their sense of humor was as quick witted as his. And while everyone was right, telling me he was no good, I had to find out for myself. I wanted to be a kinesthetic learner. I couldn’t just hear and comprehend. Or see and understand. I wanted to do it all and experience it all.
And while I’ve not fallen in love with a boy since, they still manage to break my heart. If you pick a girlfriend (or boyfriend, whichever it may be), counterpart of sorts, whether you expect it to be short term or long term, you should at least uphold the commitment. Understandably, fleeting thoughts of promiscuity arise. And absolutely, I’d love to bang you back, but if you were willing to be in a relationship with this person in the first place, don’t let your libido cloud your judgement…
Secondly, if you want sex, why skirt around the issue by attempting to instigate some sort of formal friendship? Would you try to befriend a call girl? Let’s call this relationship what it is, a spade and if ever I’m annihilated enough to forget you’re a scumbag, I’ll drop trousers for you.
I guess in the end, regardless of the situation, we will always put ourselves first. And despite that most people I’ve encountered lately haven’t been worth a damn, I hope one day I’ll have something a bit more substantial than my dog (even though he’s the best thing on earth). Until then, I’ve hung up the garter belt and key to the liquor cabinet.
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