September 2010
3 posts
“I set dinner on the dining room sideboard at six. Breakfast is ready at nine. I...”
– The Haunting
You've Got a Heart on Fire
“But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your...
“They want men to adore them like Lloyd Dobbler, and men want women to think like...”
– Chuck Klosterman
“I need a constantly lit cigarette to even begin to deal with this drink.”
– Steph
An Anonymous Posting
In the past two days, two different people have spoken with me, making me realize I’m far shittier a person than I had originally anticipated. Once easy-going, free from embarrassment, I’ve suddenly been hit with this recognition that I tend to enthusiastically mortify myself on a daily basis. Maybe it’s time to readjust all aspects of my life. Not just the ones that were...
August 2009
15 posts
1 tag
The Time I Went to the Valley, Filled My Racial...
If I had to list my favorite places, Los Angeles would be somewhere down at the bottom next to Omaha or the Gobi Desert. Regardless, there’s something captivating about going to LA. I guess it has to do with the whole Manifest Destiny, but somewhere that notion got lost in translation and we wound up with The City of Angels. If there are really angels in that town, I’ve sure never seen any. ...
“I’m pretty sure my neighbors are pushing crack, so they know I’m not...”
– Aaron
Masquerade: A Short Story
My last ‘real’ relationship, and I say ‘real’ because as far as relationship guidelines go, it follows fairly normal standards, was in the ninth grade. It lasted six months. Junior high spawned my punk rock phase. Fortunately, this was ninth grade, which was a whole new scene. The indie scene. New hair cut. Different music. Different crowd. Not so fortunately, the...
1 tag
Ogre: A Short Story
Everyone I know has a nickname, whether they know it or not. It’s easier for me to keep track of them. There’s Footless Joe. It used to be No Shoes Joe, but Footless Joe flows off the tongue better. Then there’s Butchy (because she’s hellof butch). And Scar Face. Beetlejuice. Rooster. Rob-the-PA. The Saucer. And then there’s my friend Ogre. The first time I met him was when he tagged...
“Raise your hand if you’ve ever sucked dick in the drive through of Jack in...”
– What I said to my freshman screenwriting teacher when he asked me what I did for Christmas vacation.
Blitzkrieged on Codeine
1:19 PM, Wednesday, August 5, 2009
My dog was outside playing fetch, when he was blitzkrieged by a swarm of angry wasps.
There he was, trying to fend them off, one snap at a time. At first, I stood there, unsure of what to do for fear of being stung myself. Do I leave him outside? Do I bring him inside and help him with protection (i.e. paper towels to cover my hands from their evil stingers?)....
How I Got the Tire Place to Fix My Tire for Free:...
Roughly a little less than a month ago, I got a nail in my very large, very new tire. I went to the tire place to have them patch it up. $21-something and an hour-plus later, I was good to go.
This morning I was under the garage smoking a cigarette, admiring my tire and noticed that it looked as if it had been losing air so I went back to have them take a look at it.
I was there for about an...
“I’m too drunk and too high to swat this fly.”
– Z. Kash
1 tag
I Tried to Pick Up the Trombone Player (Who Was...
There is a band who once had a very appealing trombone player (except for his fucked up teeth). I used to go to their shows to watch the boy dance and play two notes every three songs. I tried to pick him up… twice. I failed both times in increasingly shaming increments.
Attempt I:
After their set, the trombone player goes off to the side of the stage. I walk over.
“Can you...
1 tag
The Hair Salon, But Mostly A Story Not About Sex
In the south, people seem to like things to be an experience for you. I guess it’s so that when you’re in the check out line at the grocery store and you run into your next-door neighbor you can chew the fat (or whatever that saying is) and talk about everyone else’s business while you hold up the line. If you don’t grow up in the south, this isn’t really something you get into. And, not going...
1 tag
I Have Bad Luck With Public Restrooms: A Four Part...
Part I: The Thrift Store Restroom
I was minding my own business, browsing the selection of used clothing at the mexican thrift joint, when I was suddenly struck by the urge to use the facilities. So, there I went, making my way towards their restrooms. As I was drying myself with their one-ply toilet paper, what should I find but a used pair of panties wadded up next to the toilet paper...
1 tag
July 2009
2 posts
“Classy is not a word I’d use to describe myself.”
1 tag
Redneck Beach: A Short Story
I thought we should start with highschool and why I was destined to be a disaster.
Redneck Beach: A Short Story The Courtney Campbell Causeway is the bridge that connects Clearwater Beach to Tampa. Along the Causeway are little areas where you can park your car and get out… or not get out. These areas are nasty, sandy beaches, littered with cheap domestic beer cans. These beaches are dubbed...